Finding Yourself: A Series of Learning Experiences

We’ve all had those moments where we couldn’t sit with our thoughts, where we needed to get out of our own heads. Well, I seem to be permanently stuck in mine. Working from home and living under a stay-at-home order for the past few weeks has not helped…or maybe it has.

I’ve never felt at ease with myself. Any time my brain was not occupied, a litany of thoughts pass through my head: What if that never happened? What if I didn’t have a mental illness? What if I never experienced trauma? Why am I this way? Why do I keep doing things that I don’t like, that I know don’t get me to where I want to be?

If you’ve ever experienced something similar, you know how uncomfortable it is to be stuck with these thought spirals. But I’ve learned something in the last few weeks of being stuck: those spirals end. Whether they end in a draw, a loss, or a win, they all end. And in the process, I’ve learned quite a bit about myself and made connections I’ve been missing for the last 24 years of my life. I’ve recognized defense mechanisms that are so outdated they are actively working against me now. I’ve been able to verbalize experiences that were previously muddled in my head. I’ve connected with others in ways I haven’t been able to before. And I’ve opened myself up with faith that others will treat me kindly.

I personally work through things best when I’m able to talk them out. So over the next however long we’re all stuck inside with our own thoughts, I plan on working them out with you. Because I know that I am not alone in living through childhood trauma. I am not alone in living with mental illness. I am not alone in living through oppression. And if I’m not alone, neither are you. So let’s find ourselves, together.

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